UAE: When independence leads to burnout and how it affects you mentally

When Smrithi’s* arranged marriage inevitably failed in 2021, she was left a single mum whose independent spirit kicked into overdrive.

“I come from a South Asian background, where divorced daughters are considered a burden for the family. So, I was determined to get through life and all of its hardships on my own,” said the now 36-year-old PR professional living in Dubai.

“Now, I’m consumed by trying to manage my job and take care of my son — doing it all without help even when it’s offered. I don’t want to be a burden for my family and I feel like asking for help makes me look weak and vulnerable.”

Smrithi’s fierce self-reliance or “hyper-independence” is what clinicians categorise as a trauma response: armour forged in neglect, loss or emotional inconsistency.

“Healthy independence is about choice — knowing when you can do something yourself or when you can lean onto others and ask for help,” explained Aakriti Mahindra, a clinical psychologist practising in Dubai. “Hyper-independence is driven by fear. People refuse help even when exhausted and overwhelmed, feeling intense guilt or shame at the very idea.”

Aakriti Mahindra, a clinical psychologist practising in Dubai

Hyper-independent people rarely express vulnerability or admit to struggling. They have difficulty delegating at work or sharing responsibilities. Pushing people away emotionally is also a sign of hyper-independence: these people equate closeness to weakness. “On the surface, they often look strong, capable, and ‘low-maintenance’,” said Mahindra. “But underneath, they’re often carrying stress and loneliness that effects their mood, emotions and overall well-being.”

The trauma response stems from environments where people felt unsafe depending on anyone. Experiences like conflict in relationships, divorce, loss, or growing up with a parent who struggled emotionally can also plant those seeds.

As in Smrithi’s case, some cultures amplify hyper-independence, praising self-sufficiency as strength, which makes it hard to spot when it turns harmful.

There’s even a gendered difference in how it shows up. “For men, hyper-independence can be tied to masculine ideals of being ‘tough.’ For women, hyper-independence can look like ‘handling it all’, from giving birth to managing a household and work, while making it look effortless.

“Both can lead people to hide their own needs until they burnout.”

Short-term, you tick boxes, meet deadlines and simply get things done. Long-term, the cost is high: chronic stress, anxiety, burnout and fractured relationships.

“People burn bright, then burn out,” Mahindra warned. “They end up isolated, even if surrounded by loved ones,” she explained.

Smrithi’s hyper-independence manifests in different ways. “I don’t like that my son stays with my parents while I work, even though they volunteered to care for him. So, I avoid socialising after work because I don’t want him to be there longer than he has to be. I don’t want my social life to inconvenience them further.

“At work, even if I’m drowning, I push through it because I don’t want to ask for help. And, I volunteer to help others, so it seems more like I have it all together.

“I have not really let anybody help me or support me. I do not want others to think that I am vulnerable because I fear that they’d use that vulnerability against me.”

This trauma response has even affected her physical health. “One day I was waiting outside of church for my son to come out after his Sunday classes. It was humid and I remembered feeling so utterly exhausted. All of a sudden, my body gave way. I dropped to the floor — I had fainted right as he came out. “This was an eye opener for me. It has often made me think about what would happen to my son if something more serious were to happen to me.”

There are many ways to overcome hyper-independence, whether through formal therapy or developing awareness and intentional habits around it.

“I’ve found that trauma-informed therapies are incredibly effective,” said Mahindra. “EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing) and somatic therapies that focus on body awareness are approaches that help regulate the nervous system when trauma responses are activated. Also, gentle work in building trust and practicing safe connections, bit by bit, can be powerful.”

Your life, your choice

Recovery isn’t about abandoning independence, but rather reclaiming choice. Start by tuning into your body: when you notice tension or racing thoughts, take that as your cue to pause. Then, anchor yourself with a few deep breaths to shift out of fight-or-flight and back into connection. Next, practice asking for small favours. Whether it’s a quick coffee pickup or a second pair of eyes on an email, normalise the action of asking for support.  If your inner critic pipes up with unhelpful thoughts, like, “Don’t bother them”, or “What will they think if I ask for support?”, challenge and reframe negative perceptions.

Finally, remind yourself of moments when leaning on others felt safe and supportive. Recognising reciprocity is the key to building trust. “Letting someone in, even a little, is often the bravest thing you can do,” Mahindra said.

Unfortunately, Smrithi continues to struggle with the hyper-independence she’s cultivated since her divorce — a burden compounded by cultural expectations.

“I recognise the value of professional support early on if you notice any change in your emotions or temperament,” she reflected, “but I can’t seem to take the first step.  I am still carrying the heavy mental load of all my unprocessed emotional traumas. I am still in fight or flight mode.” 

*Name changed upon request.

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